The Worst Games Ever: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (ATARI 2600)

There are probably a few teenagers going “I know that film, could it really be in here?” Yes. Yes it could. We’ll start off with the title screen; basically it’s just the words ‘TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE” flashing on and off. Just in case you forgot the game you were playing. Now you’ve started. You’ll notice that leather face barely has a mask, has a hole through his face, his garments are blue, has hair, his chainsaw is blue and also his chainsaw appears to be sticking out of his body. They probably thought that leather face had the chainsaw as a part of his body. So the idea is that you kill anything that lives, it sounds cool but no. Let’s say you’ve spotted your first victim (who is always a girl,) you’re Atari decides to make a ridiculously high pitched noise, which is apparently supposed to be a girl screaming. Or, the 2600 is being sick. So you rev you’re chainsaw up and get ready to saw the living crap out of her. First of all, she has the balls to just walk away from you. Whilst some psycho cannibal is chasing her with a chainsaw. So you turn it on and BAM! Oh wait for some reason she’s teleported to the other side so now it’s BAM! Oh shit. So after about ten tries you’ll give up, that’s if you have a fully functional mind. So let’s say you do kill someone, for some reason their whole body turns into a skeleton, even though you just got her in the back. Now the weirdest thing is, well, her skeleton appears to have mud all over the bottom of her skeleton. But also, on the top. Unless in Texas there is mud generated from the weird Atari sound effects supposed to be a chainsaws grind.

Another really weird thing are the obstacles a cow skull, wheelchair and some hay. They all have references; the house is filled with animal skulls one of the characters is disabled and they live in a farmhouse but still. Does that really mean that they have to be scattered all over the place? When the very tip of you’re head nudges a wheelchair you’re stuck and you have to be very patient. Now the real pain in the ass is the actual chainsaw it runs out of gas. Not once does it run out of gas in the movie, so why put it in the game? Now when the chainsaw runs out of gas you lose a life, so for some reason Thomas Hewitt does not have the physical strength to beat up some 16 year olds. Now you get 3 lives then you’re dead. When your 3 lives are up one of the girls Tommy has been chasing gives you a kick up the ass. How does she even know that your chainsaw’s out of gas? Oh well I guess you can’t expect much from a game where the house in the background is only slightly bigger than the car in the background.

The Worst Games Ever: The Wall Street Kid

THE WALL STREET KID (NES)

This game set the standard for boring as hell, you’re some kid whose uncles died and being the last remaining heir they picked him. You’re character is smiling like a little jerk while he’s getting told about his dead family. You get £500,000 to invest and in a month you must buy a house worth £1,000,000. To be honest I couldn’t wait to waste and generally fuck up my money, but you can’t. Every stock is either getting strong or massive and it’s just so easy, it tells you which ones are awesome. The phone says rrrrr, and your descent into madness begins. You’re estate agent says he’ll get you a house and then you start investing.

Some of the options you can choose like pampering your girlfriend are in the most ridiculous. To pamper her click on the plant-pot, whose idea was that? I was also looking forward to drowning myself in stock names to choose, there are 20. 20 stocks to choose from, shall I pick Pan Man or Firedman’s? Also, did they forget that kids don’t care about the stock market? Do they know whether a low exchange is good or a high price is bad, there are 7 year old kids who will be playing this going “What?” I decided to click on the question mark and learn about stock prices for £500, I didn’t know what he was talking about. I decided to pamper Prisila, not Pricilla the right way of spelling it, Prisila. I decided to take her shopping she said. “Thank you honey, I’ll enjoy those four hours.” Why couldn’t she just say shopping time? After about ten minutes of staring at an ancient computer in front of a green wall I quitted. I couldn’t take much more. I’ll just point out you have the choice to enjoy time yourself; I tried swimming “Sorry. We’re closed.” Then, the gym. “Sorry. We’re closed.” Then, hiking. “Sorry. The hiking trail is closed.” Bullshit.

In case you’re that kind of guy who likes unemployment simulations. Or, staring at office supplies and a green wall. Stay well away from the Wall Street Kid. Maybe you prefer horrific Nintendo music lasting twenty two seconds looping no matter what. One last thing is character intros. The lofty lawyer. The ruthless banker. The crafty consultant. I don’t care they don’t speak and have no motion and you can only see their faces, do you think I’ll really care about those personalities?

Wanna play this suck fest? Copy and paste below. Masochist. http://www.coolrom.com/roms/nes/2012/Wall_Street_Kid,php